A Note Before We Are Sued Again
After another month of allegations, corrections and strongly worded letters, Hagatha addresses the rumours, the lawsuits and why the newspaper is no longer welcome in three villages.
Read full columnThe Unseelie Gathering Returns
Allegiances will be tested, rivalries renewed and only one house will leave with the Thorned Crown.
On the first day of August, creatures from every world will once again descend upon Paisley for the annual contest of the Thorned Crown.
As tradition demands, the Withered, Flameborn and Nightweavers will gather beneath one roof to settle old scores, forge new alliances and compete for the honour of ruling until the Gathering returns.
Bookmakers across the realm are already taking wagers, though opinions remain divided. The Flameborn are expected to arrive in force following last year's disappointing finish, while rumours suggest the Nightweavers have been quietly preparing for months.
The Withered, as always, have declined to comment.
Flameborn Feast Ends in Fire
An annual Flameborn celebration has once again ended with damaged furniture, missing mead and a suspicious amount of fire. Family representatives insist everything proceeded exactly as planned
Read full columnRUMOURS & OMENS
Hagatha has been spotted near the woods
Dragon activity remains high.
Mead reserves running low.
Dance of Death invitations disappearing rapidly.
WANTED
ADVENTURERS
Brave souls required for quests, creatures and questionable decisions.
1st August • Paisley
News Briefs
Hagatha's Desk
"If this newspaper has found its way into your hands, then fate, poor judgement, or a particularly mischievous goblin has brought you here."
- Hagatha
Court Affairs
The Nightweavers Accused of Playing the Long Game
Rival families question whether recent events are mere coincidence or evidence of careful planning as the contest for the Thorned Crown draws ever closer.
Read full columnLetters to the Editor
"Dear Gazette,
I challenge whoever keeps releasing ravens into my chimney to reveal themselves like a proper adult.
The ravens know who they are"
- Formerly Comfortable
The Daily
Conundrum
Test your wits against our resident riddler!
I have no legs, yet I run.
I have no mouth, yet I complain.
I have no job, yet I’m always working.
What am I?
HAGATHA'S APOTHECARY
POTIONS & REMEDIES
Cures available for curses, hexes, bad luck and unfortunate romantic decisions.
OPEN DAILY
New Arrival
Instant Beard Growth Tonic
Results guaranteed within seconds. Unfortunately, guarantees do not specify where the beard will grow.
Creature Watch
Local Dragon Claims Innocence
Despite overwhelming evidence, Alice insists she has never stolen so much as a single pie.
Read full reportRumours
Orc Accused of Keeping Pet Men
Locals have raised concerns after an orc was discovered living with several human men. The men insist they are there voluntarily and describe the arrangement as "surprisingly supportive.
Read full columnPoetry Corner
- My ex was a goblin, green and small,
- He lived in a bucket behind my wall.
- He stole my gold,
- My soup, my chair,
- And occasionally bits of my hair.
- I miss him sometimes, this much is true.
- Mostly because he still owes me two silver pieces.
- Heartbroken
Submit your verses to the Editor for consideration.
THE CRYPTIC CORNER
The Tavern Logic Test
Can you solve this week's Cryptic Corner challenge? Three members of the Unseelie Court offer an answer about the Thorned Crown,…
Read MoreCuriosity of the Day
Did you know?
Unicorns can sense when someone is lying, which is why politicians rarely encounter them.
Fascinating Facts for the Inquisitive Mind
Word of the Day
(The Scholar's Lexicon)
Thornsworn
Definition: A traveller who has pledged loyalty to one of the great families during the Unseelie Gathering.
"The newly Thornsworn proudly displayed their family colours throughout the festivities"
Goblinomics
Definition: The study of goblin trade practices, usually ending in confusion and missing coins.
"Attempts to understand goblinomics have largely been unsuccessful."
Today's Fortune
Hagatha's Predictions
Today is an excellent day to begin a grand adventure. It is, however, a terrible day to finish one.
You may encounter a mysterious stranger, a suspiciously friendly goblin, or an opportunity that seems too good to be true. Statistically speaking, at least two of these are the same person.
Avoid forests after dark. Avoid caves at all times.
Avoid talking doors regardless of the time of day.
If somebody offers you a magical artefact for less than three silver pieces, ask yourself why. Then ask yourself why you’re reaching for your coin purse anyway.
The stars predict excitement, confusion and moderate property damage.
Lucky Number: 7
Lucky Creature: Dragon
Unlucky Creature: Dragon
Chances of Becoming a Legend: 12%
On a day
Things that were
1634: A goblin successfully sells the same horse to seven different people.
1901: The first tavern introduces a "No Summoning After Midnight" policy.
1922: The Withered smile publicly for the first time. Panic ensues.
1974: A prophecy predicting disaster is ignored. Disaster arrives exactly on schedule.
1999: The Flameborn celebrate victory. Historians remain unclear what they had actually won.
Recipe of the Week
Mystery Stew
A hearty meal guaranteed to warm the soul. The source of the ingredients remains under investigation.
- 3 potatoes of questionable origin
- 1 onion
- A splash of mead
- A handful of herbs gathered under a full moon
- Never Mushrooms!!
Throw everything into a cauldron and stir until it stops looking dangerous.
If the stew begins glowing, congratulations.
If it begins speaking, reduce the heat.
If it starts offering life advice, start again.
SOCIAL ETIQUETTE
Essential guidance for avoiding social disasters.
FORAGING GUIDE
The Screaming Mushroom If you can hear it, you're already too close.
Classified Notices
LOST:
One enchanted left boot. Last seen hopping towards the forest. Answers to "Gerald."
WANTED:
Adventurers for expedition. Must provide own sword and next of kin.
MISSING:
Village scarecrow. Last seen walking north with a suspicious grin.
WANTED:
Someone to explain where all the spoons keep disappearing to.
REMINDER:
Feeding wild goblins is strictly prohibited.
PUBLIC WARNING:
Do not lick magical artefacts. Actually.. Do.
Personal Ads
Lonely Necromancer, 243
Enjoys moonlit walks, graveyards and raising a family.
Mysterious cloaked traveller seeks friendship
Enjoys standing dramatically on cliffs and speaking in riddles nobody understands.
Bard seeks muse.
Warning: your every action may be turned into a poorly written song.